I was pretty sure I was living with an alien when I found out my wife squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle.

Turns out that’s not a dealbreaker; every so often you just give the tube a good squeeze from the bottom and the damage is undone.

But there’s no coming back from this. This is definitive. This is beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt proof she’s not human:

WHO OPENS PACKAGES LIKE THIS? NOT HUMANS.

I can’t. Just look at it. You can’t re-seal that. You can’t reach easily into it for a handful of tasty, tasty cookie crackers. You can’t even pour them out into a bowl. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

This is like owning a dog for years, having it constantly by your side, bringing it up from a puppy so that it loves you and only you, and then coming downstairs late one night to find it having a secret meeting with the cats to plan world domination.

This is like eating an entire bowl of spaghetti and then finding half a worm in the bottom of the bowl, or sucking away at a piece of candy for hours and then finding a toenail in the center.

This is waking up from a nap to find that the sun is green, gravity has reversed itself, and ships are sailing blithely off the edge of the flat earth.

I love my wife dearly. I just can’t believe she’s from this planet anymore.