Everybody is sick lately. Flu shot or not, you’re coming down with this stuff. I’ve had the parents of five students contact me today to tell me their kids are out for the week. My wife has just been diagnosed. Which means it’s only a matter of time now.

So here’s my guidelines for the rest of the week to keep myself healthy:

1. Wear a mask at all times, even in the shower
2. Avoid everybody who may potentially be infected (which is basically everybody) by means of:
   1. underground bunker in the backyard (most effective but most labor-intensive)
   2. hermetically sealed camping tent on the roof (cheap but our roof is probably too heavily slanted to sleep up there)
   3. getting one of those human-sized hamster balls to roll around in until the fever passes (I really like this idea even for non-epidemic times)
   4. You know, just hoping
3. Detoxify surfaces often with an LBN mixture (lysol wipes, bleach, and napalm)
4. Raid the pharmacy for all available flu shots; inject them all before sunset
5. When possible, avoid breathing
6. Wash hands often, again using an LBN mixture
   1. Don’t forget to scrub under fingernails
7. Burn the house down just to make sure all the germs are gone
8. Leave the state to avoid whatever’s left
9. Sacrifice a Saharan spitting goat by moonlight
10. “Appropriate” a beekeeper’s suit for everyday use
11. Eating all the oranges for vitamin C
    1. Eating everything that’s orange, just in case

With these simple steps, I am pretty sure I can remain germ-free until spring comes. Try them out and let me know what works for you!

*receives note*

Okay, don’t *wink wink* try any of these methods *wink wink* to ward off flu symptoms.

*receives note*

Okay, the same thing I just said, but instead of winking, I’ll say “wink wink” instead.

*receives note*

Fine. No winking at all in that last statement. Even where I was obviously winking.

Stay sanitary.