Kanye West has a new shoe out.

I know what you’re thinking.

Here comes Pav, to rant and gripe and kvell and moan about the ridiculousness of a sneaker designed by a rapper. Always dumping on the parade, here I go, about to nitpick this perfectly legitimate product into fine microscopic dust for my own bemusement and schadenfreude.

Well, you’d be wrong.

Because I want a pair.

Listen to this, from the company’s own website:

The YEEZY BOOST is Kanye West’s first collaboration with adidas Originals. The limited-edition sneaker is exquisitely designed featuring beautiful yet simple materials. The silhouette transcends footwear trends and champions the next way of thinking about sneaker fashion. Featuring adidas’ coveted boost cushioning technology, the YEEZY BOOST will combine the ultimate in comfort and performance with high-end style.

You hear that? Beautiful yet simple materials. Exquisitely designed. THE SILHOUETTE TRANSCENDS FOOTWEAR TRENDS. Somehow, this man, this legend, this walking incarnation of rap genius, has created a shoe that TRANSCENDS SHOES.

It’s true.

You might be thinking that it looks like the designers cut up some plush elephants and stitched them together with the drawstrings from my old gym shorts. Or maybe that the concept is “footwear for the moon that would actually never work as footwear on the moon.” Or, if you’re a real shallow nutso jerk, that they look like the terrible snowshoes my mother used to make for me by wrapping plastic grocery bags around my feet and tucking them into my socks.

But you’d be wrong again.

I saw these shoes, and I asked myself: what’s important to me in shoes? My answer? The ultimate in performance, COMBINED with high-end style. Something that would be equally at home on a basketball court, going to a baseball game, recording my next studio album, or slipping into a tux for my walk down the red carpet. The red carpet in my backyard. The one that leads to the murder shed. That’s not important. What’s important is that THESE SHOES DO ALL OF THAT. And I need them.

Never mind that they have a $350 price tag. You get what you pay for, and with a price tag like that, you’re buying not only quality, but the peace of mind of knowing that your tootsies are safely swaddled in trimmings carefully selected by Kanye himself for the express purpose of extracting as many of your dollars from your pockets as he can possibly get with a straight face. Never mind that upon their launch, all of the shoes were bought out by other fashion-forward sneakeristas who EMBRACE THE NEXT WAY OF THINKING OF SNEAKER FASHION, and are now being subsequently sold (and bought!) on ebay for upwards of $1000. If comfort and performance matter to you, then money is no object.

But wait. That’s not all.

I clicked around on Adidas’s website. These shoes are just the beginning.

For Autumn/Winter 2015, Kanye West and adidas Originals will unveil a bold new proposition: YEEZY SEASON 1, a collection of apparel and footwear that cherishes universality and timelessness. Described by West as the world’s first ”solutions-based” clothing line, the individual pieces define a style that matches the relentless pace of contemporary lives.

Did I fargoing stutter? This clothing line CHERISHES UNIVERSALITY AND TIMELESSNESS. Finally, I can have a closet full of outfits that I can wear to the corner store, to a meeting with foreign heads of state, or to the exoplanets in the far reaches of our galaxy. And don’t forget all those times I needed to time travel to, say, the old west, or the dawn of recorded history, or even the far-flung future; these clothes will DO IT ALL. And hark! What sweet music is this? West HIMSELF says the line is “solutions-based”! Clothing that solves problems! The clothing that I own doesn’t solve ANY problems — I am living in the past! And holy sharknado on a sandwich, these pieces will match the relentless pace of my contemporary life. I didn’t know until now how much I was lacking clothing that could be described by so many empty buzzwords, but now I DO know, and there’s no going back. Will these clothes also suit the swiftly-changing needs of my active, results-oriented approach to shoving economically-conscious amounts of biodegradable foodstuffs into my face while stimulating my unique educational needs on the sensitively-diverse programs being delivered conveniently into my home by ecologically-friendly wires and cables? One can only hope.

There are no pictures or pricetags available for the YEEZY SEASON 1 clothing line, but I can only imagine that in keeping with the YEEZY BOOST shoes, their designs will be tasteful and affordable enough for the everyday consumer, yet flashy and exclusive enough to satisfy my inner baller.

I know what you’re thinking.

Kanye West is taking advantage of herd mentality, of hero worship, of idol emulation and an ever-growing culture of status rooted in possessions to pick the pockets of people who should maybe be spending their hard-earned money on more sensible things. You’d be wrong. Kanye is designing a quality product for people who know what they want, as long as what they want is to look like fools and to self-identify as such by shelling out truly frightening amounts of money for shoes that look worse than if they were designed by a three-year-old with an inability to process spatial relationships. Kanye is filling a void in the marketplace. Kanye is as good a clothing designer as he is a rapper… maybe even more so.

Don’t hate the player.

Hate the transcendent silhouette on these motherfargoing shoes.

Er, I mean, hate the game.