This one’s gonna be brief.

Because wow. I’m a pretty open-minded guy, and I always try real hard to empathize even when the opposing view doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, but I’m gonna go ahead and say that I don’t think I can be convinced on this one.

Apparently, they make these things called “glitter pills.” Now, I’m going to be brutally honest and admit that I’ve not done a lot of research. Nor am I going to. The thought of this research frightens me, and I’m sure it leads down dark corridors of the internet that I would rather not know about.

Because poop is a thing best left alone. Parents, I’ll grant, should be concerned with their kids’ poop. I’ve certainly been guilty of that here at the blarg (sorry about that). Doctors, nurses if you have a gastrointestinal issue, perhaps, might be clinically interested in your samples. Aside from that… ugh, why?

Why am I even talking about it? Because apparently if you take these pills your poop will sparkle.

A cursory glance at a Google search tells me is that the manufacturers of said pills claim that their product is not designed to, uh, enhance your poop. But what a further final glance through the crack in the door before I slam it shut and run in the other direction tells me is that that’s exactly what these pills are used for in most cases. SH!T GOLD, they proudly proclaim.

So, pop a pill and your insides will sparkle. Sparkly poop, sparkly pee. This will show my age, but when I read that, all I’m thinking about are kidney infections and intestinal obstructions, and a costly trip to the emergency room. But that’s a small price to pay, I suppose, for living our your fantasy of becoming a magical unicorn that literally craps rainbows.

Okay, that’s all I can stand even thinking about it. This has been a public service announcement. I just wanted you to know these things are out there. Do with that information what you will. I feel filthy even having googled the subject. I’m off for a thirty-minute, skin-searing shower. Now if I could only scrub down the inside of my brain…