Dumb (Bad) Luck


Police, Auto, Police Car, Retro, Patrol Car, Model Car

So I got ticketed driving through my own neighborhood last night. That’s embarrassing enough in its own right — not that we get too hung up on what the neighbors think (I am pretty sure we have druggies living next door, three generations living in one house across the street, and an elderly couple very concerned with lawn care living on our other side who I have no doubt absolutely HATE me and my “mow it once a week, what more do you want” approach to groundskeeping). But it got worse still: while I was pulled over by the police officer, blue lights strobing away and all in our quiet little residential area, who goes driving by?

My in-laws.

My in-laws.

The indignity. The shame. The fargoing sheer stupid idiotic bad luck.

I would have gotten away with it, too. I would have explained away the ten-minute or so delay in my grocery store run, paid the fine quietly, and nobody would ever have been the wiser, except that my freaking in-laws go cruising by on their way to visit with our kids before we head out of town.

As it was, though, I walked into the house to find my wife standing with folded arms, already waiting an explanation.

It was for the dumbest of things, too — a failure to come to a complete stop. Now look, I know. Rules are rules. And you won’t find me arguing with police officers. But living in this neighborhood for 6 (help!) years, I’ve seen a lot of drivers doing a hell of a lot worse and getting away with it almost every day. It’s the richest of irony that I would get dinged for a rolling stop just at the time when my in-laws are rolling past.

Actually, I lied before.

I wouldn’t have gotten away with it, not by any stretch of the imagination. Because my 4-year-old son was in the car with me. And if you don’t have any 4-year-olds in your life, well, let me tell you, you will never appreciate silence more than if you ever cross paths with a 4-year-old.

DADDY CAN I HAVE SOMETHING TO DRINK DADDY WHAT’S THAT GUY DOING DADDY LOOK AT THE KITTY ISN’T THAT FUNNY DADDY I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING WEIRD OUTSIDE OH IT’S JUST A BIRD THE KITTY WANTS TO EAT IT DADDY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE KITTY ATE THE BIRD THAT WOULDN’T BE VERY GOOD HUH DADDY HEY DADDY CAN I HAVE A POPSICLE DADDY HOW MANY MORE BITES OF MY DINNER DO I HAVE TO EAT FOR A POPSICLE DADDY I ATE MY DINNER CAN I HAVE THAT POPSICLE NOW DADDY POPSICLE DADDY DRINK DADDY WHY ARE YOU MAD

(One of these days I’m going to get one of those pitch counters that baseball umpires carry, and I’m just going to quietly keep a tally of how many times the sprout says “daddy” in a day. I mean, it’s adorable, but it’ll also make you seriously think of changing your name or of leaving the state.)

Of course, after getting pulled over by the policeman, the unstoppable monologue was more along the lines of:

DADDY WHAT DID THAT MAN WANT DADDY WHO WAS THAT DADDY WHAT’S A POLICE OFFICER DADDY DID YOU BREAK A LAW DADDY IS HE BEING MEAN TO YOU DADDY WHY AREN’T WE GOING DADDY IS HE GOING TO BE YOUR FRIEND DADDY THAT POLICE OFFICER HAS HAIR LIKE YOU DADDY WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP AT THE STOP SIGN DADDY ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO JAIL THAT WOULDN’T BE VERY GOOD DADDY ARE YOU IN TROUBLE DADDY WHAT’S A TICKET DADDY HOW MANY DOLLARS DOES IT COST DADDY CAN WE STILL GO TO THE PLAYGROUND TOMORROW DADDY CAN I HAVE A POPSICLE WHEN WE GET HOME

And I know he would have been all too happy to regale my wife with his tale, even if my in-laws hadn’t already ratted me out.

Which is why I’m here writing about it. Because we’re heading out of town today, meeting up with family on the way, and he’s going to tell the story to anybody who will listen and I just want to get ahead of the controversy.

Incidentally, while I was telling my wife that I was obviously going to have to write about this experience, I told her I’d be depriving her of the opportunity to rat me out to my own mother. “I’m totally stealing your thunder,” I told her.

To which the 4-year-old replied, faint horror rattling his tiny voice, “Daddy, are you going to thunder my mom??”

Anyway, to set the record straight, and to make sure all thunder is properly stolen (though I want to be clear: no mommies were thundered in the writing of this blarg):

Yes, I got ticketed in my own neighborhood.

Yes, my in-laws (MAMA AND PAPA) drove by while I was pulled over.

No, the police officer was not mean to me.

No, I am not going to jail.

Don’t believe anything else that 4-year-old tells you.

This weekly remotivational post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Every weekend, I use Linda G. Hill’s prompt to refocus my efforts and evaluate my process, sometimes with productive results. This week’s post was very little about process, but it made me laugh anyway — deal with it!

 

Nutritional (?) Content


Sooooo… I’ve been on something of a junior crusade against sugar lately. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my 4-year old had three cavities filled not to very long ago … meh. Reasons aren’t important. I’m giving labels a little more of a look than I used to.

So he asked for waffles this morning (just now, in fact), and, well, you can’t have waffles without syrup. That’d be like driving to Florida with the windows up and the radio off. But wait — syrup is basically JUST sugar, isn’t it? And because of the sugar junior crusade, I peeked at the label:

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Problem is, food labels are largely meaningless. Right side: chemicals schmemicals, blah blah blah. High Fructose Corn Syrup is basically the devil’s own heartsblood, yada yada. Whatever. We all eat chemicals, that ain’t my concern (this week).

Sugar: 43 grams. Well, dammit, we’re in America, what’s a gram, anyway? They might as well have said 1/18th the volume of your ear canal. (Herein lies the problem for Americans especially when it comes to this sugar thing: we don’t know what the hell grams are. Turns out the maximum recommended amount of sugar for a grown dude like me is between 40-50 grams. THE MORE YOU KNOW.)

Then, hmm. 210 calories? Sharknado, that’s high, innit? But oh, wait. Serving size: 1/4 cup.

1/4 cup?? Seriously? Who, outside of legitimately handicapped people with no motor control or 4-year-olds out of their parents’ view uses 1/4 cup of syrup for anything?

Ugh. Serving sizes. Grams. Chemicals. This parenting gig … who has the time to look out for everything you’re supposed to look out for?

Sidewalk (Lack of) Wisdom


I was out for a run yesterday when I did something I haven’t done in a long time.

I fell.

Not like a stumble where you catch yourself and you recover, a little embarrassed but otherwise unharmed,  or a slip on the ice that drops you to your backside, sore but at least safe in the knowledge that it could happen to anybody when it’s snowy and icy out and this is Atlanta, after all, who even knows how to deal with ice in the first place?

No, this was a full-on, sprawled on the ground, call-the-paramedics-because-that-old-guy-probably-busted-his-hip fall. A marionette with its strings cut. An AT-AT Walker foot-roped by plucky Hothian rebels.

Bad times. Seriously. Since you’ve been grown, when’s the last time you fell? Like really fell?

I’ve stumbled here and there on trail runs: a gnarled and angry tree root sticks up out of the trail like an angry old man’s cane and it snags your toe as you shuffle past. Luckily, on the trail, you’re either all alone for miles in every direction or accompanied by some like-minded lunatics who have taken their fair share of trail tumbles themselves, and who are therefore likely to be sympathetic if you go down.

And I’ve clipped my fair share of curbs on suburban jaunts, but somehow the physics of shorting a jump don’t seem to send you sprawling the way I went sprawling yesterday.

I was cruising down a very familiar route when I noticed a trio of benches in front of a restaurant I’ve run past close to a hundred times. “Huh,” I thought to myself in that weird self-reflective echoey whisper, “Have those benches always been there, or have I just never noticed them?” Next thing I know, my foot is arrested violently mid-stride and the concrete is rushing at me like that guy I owe money to for things we won’t be discussing here.

No escape. I’m going down. I try to tuck and roll, but the momentum is all wrong, and my toes feel like an elephant has stepped on them, so there’s no pushing off or changing direction. *Wham-scrape* goes the knee, *Bang-skid* goes the elbow, and I sort of weakly flop over onto my back.

Before I notice anything else, I notice the truck stopped at the traffic light not fifty feet away from me. I wonder if he saw me go down (virtually impossible that he wouldn’t), then ponder what would be worse: if he pulls over to offer me assistance, opens his window and laughs at me as he drives by, or simply drives off and leaves me wondering. Thankfully, he rolls off.

I lay there for a few minutes on my back, staring up at the really remarkably clear blue sky. Gorgeous day, actually. I curse at myself audibly, because fargo the delicate sensibilities of anybody who might be passing by. I mentally assess the damage. My left knee and toes hurt like the dickens, but I can move them, so that’s good. I feel like a right stupid idiot, but there’s no lasting damage in that. I sit up, dab at the blood pooling on my knee, prod at my toes. Hurt, but probably not broken. I rise and hobble to the bench — the one that distracted me just a moment ago, how convenient! — and sit there to ponder my life for a moment.

From here I can see clearly the tiny — and I do mean tiny — jag in the sidewalk. A tree overhangs the sidewalk, its roots scrambling out like the capillary roads in an atlas. The roots have obviously pushed the sidewalk up over time, about an inch and a half. My toes (and I was wearing my Vibrams at the time, which means for this particular purpose I might as well have been barefoot) smacked into that tiny outcropping, and that was that.

It occurs to me, too, while I’m sitting here, staring down the sidewalk like it stole my date for the prom, that this is something that should never have happened. I’ve run this route 50 or 60 times over the past few years — maybe closer to 100. Usually in the lazy half-light of sickly streetlights at 5 AM. What business do I have tripping on a plainly obvious imperfection in the sidewalk — one I regularly traverse without even thinking about it in the darkness — in the blazing light of day?

And there it is.

(Things always mean things, right?)

(Of course not, the universe is a whole sort of general mish-mash of unconnected events and meaningless coincidences. But it’s fun to pretend.)

(Where was I? Right. The blazing light of day.)

The lights were on.

I run this route about once per week, but always in the dark. It’s easy to get tunnel vision when you run at night (or in the stupidly early morning), watching only the ground in front of my feet — there’s nothing else to see. But Sunday, the lights were on, and here I was able to notice all sorts of things I never give second thought to: look at the ivy spilling over that fence like a bunch of intestines from an open gut! Check out that crack that runs right down the center of the street, like a subterranean city is pushing up from underneath! Look at that bench over there, I bet I could jump over it in one go if I — SMACK.

There’s a moral here about sidewalks, and that moral is: never look around. Always keep your eyes straight in front of you and never deviate from the sidewalk.

No, wait, that’s not right.

Watch out for sidewalks. They are tricksy and not to be trusted.

Er, that’s not it either.

Don’t take sidewalks for granted. They mark a path that’s cleared and generally trustworthy, but that doesn’t mean you can turn your back on them.

Yeah, that’s better.

Except change “sidewalks” for “life” and I think we’re closing in on something useful that can be taken away from all this.

I took a sidewalk for granted, and ended up with a shredded leg and horrifically stubbed toe. And it’s making me wonder: what else am I taking for granted every day? What else is lurking there, just under my foot, waiting to put me on my ass if I lose focus for just a fraction of a second?

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Never mind the farmer’s tan and ridiculous amounts of body hair. Focus on the coagulated gore.

Oh, and in case you were curious: I finished the run.

How’s It Going?


pretty good

I started out writing a post about how the boy in this picture is all of my students right now.

Then I realized that the boy in this picture is actually me right now.

Then I took one last think on it and it struck me: the boy in this picture is all of us, all of the time.

We’re all making this sharknado up as we go along. Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing. We hope we’re doing the right things, and we certainly like to think that we’re doing pretty good in that regard. But running like a river of slime just below that shiny, smiling surface, is a bubbling, broiling river of doubt and despair, and you never know when it’s going to flood its banks and cough up a clutch of dead raccoons on your perfectly manicured lawn.

Best we can hope for is that our brave facade holds up, and that no hapless interviewers bother to follow up when we tell them things are going “pretty good.”

I could watch that little boy’s face collapse for hours.

Winnie the Pooh is a Masters’ Level Writing Class


I’m sitting here watching The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh with my kid. You know, the one from the 70s that’s less a movie and more a bunch of cartoon shorts slapped together with honey-flavored caulking.

Now, there’s a lovely little book that came out some time ago called The Tao of Pooh, which takes the silly old bear and infuses him with all sorts of Zen mysticism. (Actually, the mysticism was in him all along, we just didn’t always realize it.) And that book has a companion called The Te of Piglet. Fantastic reads that you can pick up and put down as often as you’d like; the kind of books that grow with you. The kind of books that mean something entirely different to your full-of-piss-and-vinegar twenty-something self and your tired-as-fargo-from-wrangling-toddlers-all-weekend thirty-something self.

But I realized, watching the cartoons just now, just this instant, that you don’t need a zennified book to appreciate the dubious wisdom of Pooh. The beauty is in the simplicity. And as a writer, the simplicity resonates on several levels.

Let’s take the opening short.

We meet Pooh in his house, and Pooh wants some damn honey. Why? Because he’s a stuffed bear, and fargo your reasoning; his honey stores in the house are empty, so he’s got to go get some more. But he doesn’t have a grocery store with a plastic bear full of honey to overpay for; he’s got to go straight to the source. Who makes honey? Bees do, so Pooh goes after the bees.

He climbs a tree and tries to just straight-up jack some honey, but the bees aren’t playing that, and the twiggy brances at the top of the tree can’t support his honey-eating behind, so he falls all the way back down. Is Pooh discouraged? Not for a minute. Along comes his pal, Christopher Robin, with a balloon of all things, and Pooh says, hey CR, let me snag that balloon so that I can use it to get some honey. CR is no fool, and he asks the question that we’re all asking, watching this: how are you going to get honey with a balloon?

Don’t be silly, says the bear, I’m going to use the balloon to float up there. The bees will think I’m a raincloud, and they’ll let me have the honey. Now, this is patently idiotic, and being a good friend, CR points this out to him — you don’t look like a raincloud.

Right, says Pooh, let me roll around in some mud so I’m all dark like a thundercloud. So he rolls around in the mud for a minute, gets good and disgusting, then floats up to the treetops. This works until the bees realize that the bear is ganking their honey again, so they attack him and he ends up falling all the way down again.

Bees aren’t parting with their honey, he realizes, and goes off to his buddy Rabbit’s house, where he just asks for some honey without any niceties or prelude. And Rabbit gives it to him. Gives him so much, in fact, that Pooh can’t even squeeze his honey-stuffed stuffing out through the door anymore, and he has to go on a two-week diet before he can even go home again.

Let me not spoil the whole program for you if you haven’t seen it, but suffice to say, the shenanigans continue. All are ridiculous and wholesome, and all are approached with the same oh-well-I-guess-if-that’s-the-way-it-is-we’ll-just-have-to-change-the-way-we-think attitude.

So why is this relevant to the writer?

Pooh wants honey and he sets himself to the task with the single-mindedness of a cat stalking a crippled lizard.

He tries the direct route. When that doesn’t work, he doesn’t just think outside the box, he turns the box inside-out. When that doesn’t work, he dispenses with the pleasantries, doesn’t hem and haw his way around it, he just goes to somebody who can help and gets some damn help.

In short, once he decides he wants it, there is no force on earth that is going to stop him.

So it must be with the writer.

Sometimes the direct route is all it takes to get us there, but more often, the direct route is a boring and ineffectual route. We have to get outside the box. Sometimes that means redesigning the box, burning it, designing it again, throwing it down a flight of stairs, and building another box from the shattered pieces, then stepping into the box just for the purpose of stepping back out of it. And sometimes, we just need a little help.

So.

Let’s get some honey.