There’s been a lot of talk about “locker room talk” the past couple of days. But I don’t think any of the people talking about this so-called “locker room talk” actually know how people talk in locker rooms. (For the most part, guys don’t talk in locker rooms — they’re trying too hard not to catch an eyeful of old man scrotum.)
So to clarify what actual locker room talk might sound like, I reimagined a certain prominent recent conversation as it might more conceivably play out.
Please to enjoy.
Two men, on opposite ends of “middle aged”, meet in a locker room. A TV in the corner plays entertainment news.
Tronald: (gesturing towards the TV) You see her?
Billiam: Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Who’s that? She looks familiar.
Tronald: Ancy O’Dale. Pretty hot, right?
Tronald: I put a move on her, once.
Billiam: Who, the girl on TV?
Tronald: That’s right. Bought her some furniture.
Billiam: You — what? I thought you said you put a move on her.
Billiam: So … you bought her furniture? That was the move?
Tronald: I have a lot of money.
Billiam: I see.
Tronald: She was married, though.
Billiam: Wait. She was married when you put the move — when you bought her furniture?
Tronald: Sure. I was, too. I tried to bang her. Came up short.
Billiam: That’s … not cool. Why would you hit on a married woman? Especially when you were married yourself?
Tronald: Well, I had just gotten married.
Billiam: That’s even worse!
Tronald: Eh. It was only my third marriage.
Tronald: Hey, do you have any mints? I could really go for a Tic-Tac.
Billiam: Um, I might, let me check.
Tronald: I get that bad breath, you know what I mean? I’m doing this interview in a few minutes, and you never know what might happen.
Billiam: I really don’t need to know. (Finds mints, offers them.) Here.
Tronald: Thanks, guy. (He tilts most of the pack into his mouth, crunches them loudly.) I might try to kiss this one, I don’t know.
Billiam: Huh? I thought you said you were doing an interview?
Tronald: Sure, but I just love women, you know? If she’s beautiful, I might just try to kiss her. I can’t help myself.
Billiam: Whoa. Stop. You’re just meeting this woman for the first time, and you think you might try to kiss her?
Tronald: I meet beautiful women all the time. As often as I can. I run beauty pageants, you know. Part of the deal. Sometimes I try to kiss them, sometimes I don’t. Just depends how I feel.
Billiam: What about how they feel?
Tronald: What do you mean?
Billiam: The women. You just kiss them? I mean, the ones you feel chemistry with, or … I really don’t understand.
Tronald: No, no chemistry. I just see a beautiful woman, I try to kiss her.
Billiam: That’s … a little rapey, isn’t it?
Tronald: It’s all right. They don’t mind. I’m a star. I can do whatever I want. Grab them by the pussy, whatever.*
Billiam: The — WHAT?
Billiam: Dude, that’s actual sexual assault. You know that, right?
Tronald: You want to come with me? I can get you one, too.
Billiam: No. NO. Who the hell even are you, anyway?
Tronald: I’m running for president.
(Billiam just stares, dumbfounded.)
Tronald: Can I count on your vote?
Billiam, now dressed, scurries out to tell all his friends not to vote for serial abusers, as though such a thing had to be said.
**I just want to tell you how uncomfortable it makes me to use the word, even when quoting somebody who, I feel, is a totally reprehensible excuse for a human. But we can’t go mincing words, and we can’t go pretending total jerks didn’t say the things they actually said, live, on video.